JOURNEY

(Written 2 years ago)

My faith journey has been an interesting one – filled with ups & downs and lows & highs. As I write this, I am at a point where I can confidently and genuinely say I love Jesus and that I am totally devoted to following Him. It was definitely not a very smooth journey getting to this point but with full conviction, I will say it is the most fulfilling thing one can ever do with his/her life. Giving my life to Jesus has honestly been the best decision of my life and this may seem like a cliché because it is a statement that a lot of Believers tend to say, but it’s something you’ll never understand until you actually experience it.

I’ve always been someone who introspects and does a lot of self-evaluation. A week before my 18^th birthday, I sat down one evening and decided to examine my life. What pushed me to do this was the fact that I knew I was becoming an ‘adult’ and starting university in a few months, hence I wanted to be sure I was making the right decisions and if I wasn’t, I wanted to make changes. There were little issues here and there but the one thing that stood out to me was my Christian walk. After deeply thinking about it, I realised that I did not truly understand what it meant to have a relationship with Christ. I did read my bible, pray sometimes and tried to ‘act right’ but I did all of these as religious duties most of the time. It was more of ‘I have to read my bible’ as opposed to ‘I have to read my bible and I should read it to spend time with God’. Yes, I did pray, but I rarely ever poured my heart out to God. It was more of repetitive prayers most of the time. My prayer life was only great during very difficult seasons of my life where I needed the hand of God to move, and after God came through, my fickle self would go back to my old prayer habits. With these examples amongst others, I knew I wanted to make a change and re-dedicated my life to Christ.

From then till parts of my 2^nd year in university, my relationship with God was quite shaky and not how I wanted it to be. I would go to church, listen to gospel music, watch sermons etc but spending time with God alone (praying and in the Word) was something I struggled to do wholeheartedly. On some days I would go like, ‘God I honestly do not know what to talk about today’ (after thanking Him for everything and asking for protection etc.) or I would just skim through my bible to get it out of the way and go about my business. I was going through some hard times and was concentrating more on fixing the issues myself instead of relying on God completely. I got really frustrated at certain points because I felt like my relationship with God was going nowhere despite my ‘efforts’ to make it ‘better’. Some days, I would promise God that I will spend more time with Him and then I would end up going back on my word. This would leave me so angry at myself and one day, I remember saying to God, ‘I cannot do this anymore, I’m just going to keep disappointing you’. I still went to church, watched sermons, read my bible and the likes but deep down I wasn’t fulfilled. I felt so directionless and lost but I didn’t know how to make things right because each time I tried, I failed in one way or the other.

‘The Christian message is for those who have done their best and failed’.

This quote speaks volumes for me because I resonate with it so much. This was honestly me until I saw the light.

My turning point was when I reached a point where I felt defeated in life. I was tired of the inconsistencies; my soul was yearning for God and I was just so sad within me. I cried out to God to ask for forgiveness and another chance to ‘make things right’. And this is when the Holy Spirit convicted me, I felt Him say to me in my heart – ‘The issue with you is, you think you can do it all on your own. You can’t make things right with me, it’s my grace that paves the way. You try to do everything in your own strength and ability and then when you get tired/ drained, you don’t understand. Without my strength, you cannot do this walk. You need to stop trusting so much in yourself and trust in me’. I thank God for this conviction and it was honestly a wakeup call. I decided to take a new approach and surrendered my whole heart to God. I honestly admitted that I cannot do this in my own strength and called upon the Holy Spirit to strengthen me. This caused a major shift in my relationship with God. On days where I feel especially drained and like my flesh is getting the better side of me, I cry out to God in faith and ask Him to fill me up and for His power to be made perfect in my weakness.

From merely being a duty, reading my bible and spending time with God has become a desire. It is also a necessity which means that I don’t just rely on my feelings to determine whether or not I spend time with Him – discipline is needed too (still working on this daily). I still put in the effort I need to put in but rely on His strength to keep me going.

God is my Father and best friend and number 1 in life. I have learnt that He is enough to complete me and fill any voids I have in my life. I have grown so much in faith from spending time in the Word and speaking to God daily and throughout my day.

Clinging onto God has shown me how imperfect I am as a person and how much I need Him. He is consistently convicting me on areas in my life that need to improve and in return, I surrender those areas to Him and trust that He will transform them once I stay in tune with His word. God has changed my outlook on life and fills me with so much joy and peace. Difficult seasons will not discourage me about who my God is because I know He is always with me – even when I may not feel it.

Yes, I make mistakes and there are days where I do not die to my flesh like I should but He is always faithful and just to forgive me when I cry out to Him. It’s difficult for me to forgive myself sometimes when I fail God but as C.S Lewis once said, ‘If God forgives us, we must forgive ourselves otherwise it’s like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him’ and this is so true. Something God is still eradicating from my life is the view that I can be perfect. I will make mistakes sometimes and I need to be humble enough to let go of the guilt. ‘For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death’. This verse from 2 Corinthians 7:10 is one I meditate on anytime I am being too hard on myself, and the fact that, ‘There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus’ (Romans 8:1).

God is amazing and so merciful and I have honestly never been filled with so much joy in life. Once you fully let Him into your heart, its unthinkable the things He will do. He is transforming my life every day and shaping me to be more like Him. Yes, you will still face doubts sometimes, you will still have some sinful urges but it’s a daily choice you have to die to your flesh and let the Holy Spirit fill you up and strengthen you. Trying to do this journey on your own is impossible. If it wasn’t, Christ wouldn’t have had to die. My sole aim at this point is to fall more and more in love with Jesus each day and live a life of purpose that glorifies His name.

Philippians 2:13 – ‘For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose’.