Am I an impostor ?

I vividly remember the first time I heard of the term ‘Impostor Syndrome’. I was scrolling through Instagram a few years ago and happened to come across it under someone’s post. Though I knew what the word Impostor meant, I had never come across this term in particular. I have an intellectually curious mind so I was suddenly genuinely interested in finding out what it meant.

I turned to my best friend google and searched for ‘meaning of impostor syndrome’. The words on my screen made such an impression on me because they accurately described the way I felt about myself for as long as I could remember. I had unconsciously been living with Impostor Syndrome.

Impostor Syndrome is a psychological phenomenon whereby people are unable to internalise their accomplishments. In simple terms, you feel like a fraud. According to clinical psychologists, when you suffer from it, although there is external evidence of your achievements, you constantly feel like you don’t deserve what you have worked for.

For the longest time, deep down, I never felt like I deserved some of the grades I got in school. I have always known I am smart to an extent but I always doubted and underestimated it at the same time (strange combination, I know). I always felt like I was not good enough to do certain things I had the desire to do. There is a way it consumes the mind and can leave you feeling so powerless and demoralised. Given this, no matter what I achieved, it just never went away and I mostly found myself dismissive of compliments I got regarding my achievements. That is not to say that there weren’t ever times I felt empowered and proud of myself – I have had a lot of those moments. Nonetheless, the truth of the matter is that I lived in a destructive cycle for the most part.

As a Christian, I know a lot about who God says I am and have grown up among family and friends who constantly encourage me. However, there was still that small yet recurring voice that always reminded me – ‘You are not good enough’.

I grew tired of constantly feeling this way and I came to realise that in order to get rid of the Syndrome, I had to be intentional about fighting it. I also noticed that while encouragement is great, it can only do so much – I have to believe in myself too.

One way I combat the Syndrome is to agree with who God says I am. If I trust and put my faith in God, why do I choose to allow lies to win over the truth He has spoken over my life? If my identity is truly in Him, why do I allow anything that is inconsistent with the Word of God define me? My identity is solely in Christ. Not in lies, failures and not even in my successes.

This shift in my mindset is the reason I am writing this today. I have never seen myself as a great writer even though the desire to share my thoughts has always been there. I have come to realise that fighting this Syndrome is something I have to deliberately do daily and not just as a one off. I constantly have to renew my mind, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. It is not easy but it is possible through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). Hopefully I will read this next time I am having one of those moments.

2 Timothy 1:7 – “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind”.